I walked our dogs this morning and along the walk I thought about Cynthia. Something must have reminded me of her, maybe it's the walks we use to take together or the time of the morning or the air...something triggered me to think.
You see, I've been working through a myriad of emotions weeks before Cynthia died in May 2011. Since her death, I've been sad, numb, seemingly paralyzed in my thoughts, scared and not myself. Along the same time I've been contemplating the project we created, "Caring For Cynthia" and what should or could come next for that project - never getting a clear thought or idea from which to begin to generate possibility.
About three months ago I began considering therapy for what I came to know as grief and loss after losing a loved one. Two months into this work with a therapist I'm learning a lot. This morning, as I walked the dogs, I decided something. I decided today I could begin to share my experiences as a caregiver when the person one is caring for - doesn't survive.
This morning I remembered an entry I wanted to post last year, yet didn't. I thought to review that entry and use today as THE day to finally post it! This entry outlines a step a took in gaining perspective or awareness about myself since Cynthia's death. I didn't go to the tea leaf reading with an intention to talk about Cynthia. It's just that she showed up, in the leaves, according to Janice. The title of this entry is "The Release."
The Release
Instructions from a recent Tea Leaf Reading with Janice Roper included a close
proximity to water facing the Catalina mountains during sunrise. I used a cushion and sat in an easy pose beside our pool facing the Catalina Mountains as the sun was fast
approaching in my periphery.
To my left, the night’s full moon was descending over Tucson's western sky.
Illuminated in front of me were red, pink and orange colored Glassy Baby votive
candles holders – each color associated with words such as "comfort, joy,
calm.” The only sounds filling the early morning was the cooing of dove
and quail as well as the squawking of copper hawks flying through the
Mesquite and Palo Verde trees.
This early morning light and air is a space and time for many beings to
revel and I'm comforted to know that I am not alone in my backyard.
I waited as the sun rose to provide light before I began
"releasing,” as Janice referred, Cynthia. With
input from the reading, Janice and I crafted the words to say
aloud during this "exercise."
I repeated those words as the sun continued to rise.
I understand now that Cynthia has "work" to do. Cynthia’s
physical being has indeed shifted, yet still, she continues her work as a teacher. In fact, there is still much to learn from my friendship with Cynthia, the times and events we experienced, my caregiving journey and all that I'm learning through the sadness and missing her. By
"releasing" her, Janice suggests Cynthia is “free” to
continue her journey and move more deeply into her "work."
As this exercise cames to a close my heart felt less heavy
- I was lighter. The missing I feel is there yet I don’t notice fear.
It CAN be o.k. to "release" Cynthia giving her permission to "carry on." .
It's up to me now, to tune my awareness, notice that which is shifting around me related to caregiving, cancer support, death and grief and open an even greater space for learning opportunities to surface. Not only am I continuing to learn...I am healing, too. And, it could be through Cynthia's ongoing work that I learn to heal.
Here's a photo of me at the tea leaf reading. After I drank the tea, the leaves were spilled onto a small plate and the shape of a heart was revealed. : )
