The Release

  

I walked our dogs this morning and along the walk I thought about Cynthia.  Something must have reminded me of her, maybe it's the walks we use to take together or the time of the morning or the air...something triggered me to think.  

You see, I've been working through a myriad of emotions weeks before Cynthia died in May 2011.  Since her death, I've been sad, numb, seemingly paralyzed in my thoughts, scared and not myself.  Along the same time I've been contemplating the project we created, "Caring For Cynthia" and what should or could come next for that project - never getting a clear thought or idea from which to begin to generate possibility.  

About three months ago I began considering therapy for what I came to know as grief and loss after losing a loved one.  Two months into this work with a therapist I'm learning a lot.  This morning, as I walked the dogs, I decided something.  I decided today I could begin to share my experiences as a caregiver when the person one is caring for - doesn't survive.  

This morning I remembered an entry I wanted to post last year, yet didn't.  I thought to review  that entry and use today as THE day to finally post it!  This entry outlines a step a took in gaining perspective or awareness about myself since Cynthia's death.  I didn't go to the tea leaf reading with an intention to talk about Cynthia.  It's just that she showed up, in the leaves, according to Janice.  The title of this entry is "The Release." 

The Release

Instructions from a recent Tea Leaf Reading with Janice Roper included a close proximity to water facing the Catalina mountains during sunrise.  I used a cushion and sat in an easy pose beside our pool facing the Catalina Mountains as the sun was fast approaching in my periphery.  To my left, the night’s full moon was descending over Tucson's western sky. 

Illuminated in front of me were red, pink and orange colored Glassy Baby votive candles holders – each color associated with words such as "comfort, joy, calm.”  The only sounds filling the early morning was the cooing of dove and quail as well as the squawking of copper hawks flying through the Mesquite and Palo Verde trees.  This early morning light and air is a space and time for many beings to revel and I'm comforted to know that I am not alone in my backyard. 

I waited as the sun rose to provide light before I began "releasing,” as Janice referred, Cynthia.  With input from the reading, Janice and I crafted the words to say aloud during this  "exercise."  

I repeated those words as the sun continued to rise.

I understand now that Cynthia has "work" to do.  Cynthia’s physical being has indeed shifted, yet still, she continues her work as a teacher.  In fact, there is still much to learn from my friendship with Cynthia, the times and events we experienced, my caregiving journey and all that I'm learning through the sadness and missing her.   By "releasing" her, Janice suggests Cynthia is “free” to continue her journey and move more deeply into her "work." 

As this exercise cames to a close my heart felt less heavy - I was lighter.  The missing I feel is there yet I don’t notice fear.  It CAN be o.k. to "release" Cynthia giving her permission to "carry on."   .  

It's up to me now, to tune my awareness, notice that which is shifting around me related to caregiving, cancer support, death and grief and open an even greater space for learning opportunities to surface.  Not only am I continuing to learn...I am healing, too.  And, it could be through Cynthia's ongoing work that I learn to heal.     

Here's a photo of me at the tea leaf reading.  After I drank the tea, the leaves were spilled onto a small plate and the shape of a heart was revealed.  : )

New Mexican Press Women

I'm in Santa Fe, New Mexico, reflecting on my speaking venue this past weekend to the New Mexican Press Women at the Mission Cafe on DeVargas Street.  R. Thomas Berner, President of the New Mexican Press Women, extended an invitation to attend their bimonthly meeting and present my book "Caring For Cynthia."  There was a very powerful, entrepreneurial presence in the audience.  The twelve members present were either published authors themselves, owned and edited monthly publications/newsletters and broadcast media, and, some present had won recent awards for their work in journalism.  

The Santa Fe winter sun pierced through lace curtains into the "Community Room" of the Mission Cafe.  At the table, we were surrounded by an eclectic decor that incorporated dried hydrangeas and the silver and gold lame´of artwork from local to religious.  After items on the agenda were discussed and the hostess' traditional frito pies were served, I was introduced.  I spoke for twenty minutes and, while I'm still honing my skills as a guest speaker, I'm grateful for not only having met this organization but to have had the privilege of listening to caregiving experiences shared that day. 

I'm noticing this:  it requires deep courage to publicly share caregiving experiences that are seemingly privately held and I notice the "catchiness" of the sharing - one person's share leads to another person sharing and soon, many share.   Imagine what all of those in the "Community Room" of the Mission Cafe learned that day - simply through our sharing!  I encourage caregivers to share their experiences of their caregiving journey on this blog - sharing imparts knowledge and little morsels of knowledge can make a tremendous difference in the lives of other caregivers and ultimately change the course of the journey for the loved one diagnosed. 

Visit www.newmexicopresswomen.org

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I've been cultivating my experiences of marketing and exposing "Caring For Cynthia" over the past months.  Through my travels to book events and my discussions with other caregivers, I know "Caring For Cynthia" is an expression of a conversation about cancer that is either never or rarely considered - the expression of the caregiver's helplessness, uncertainty, guilt, shame, concern, frustration or fears (to mention a few) that surface when a loved one is diagnosed.  

My intention, through this blog, is to give caregivers the space in which to share their feelings all the while honoring their loved one and finding empowerment through shared stories - underscoring the we are all affected when a diagnosis is confirmed.  

In the upcoming weeks, I'll be connecting with oncology centers across the nation to create the possibility that Caring For Cynthia has a presence inside each center.  I'll be reaching out to nurses, oncology nurse educators and other oncology staff that will, in turn, introduce "Caring For Cynthia" to their patients - as this is an educational tool that serves as a platform for dialogue among patients and their loved ones/friends/family and their practitioners.  

"Caring For Cynthia" is a book that gives new courage to look at breast cancer.  It's a book that acknowledges and validates caregivers in the support they are for the patient's well being during a journey with breast cancer.  

"Caring For Cynthia" supports the existence of the complex emotional components inside a journey with cancer that can lead the reader to a thoroughly enriching experience despite the darkness of cancer that otherwise initially obstructs the beauty in vulnerability from our view. Develop a new courage to "be" with breast cancer.  Be a part of a community that honors the vulnerability of those diagnosed with breast cancer and step forward to support the well being of those diagnosed.   

Please email a link to this blog to others of whom you know have been touched by breast cancer.  

 

Welcome to the Caring For Cynthia Blog. Caring For Cynthia was published in late July of 2008. The publication of the book was an amazing process for a first time author and now, those collaborating with Caring For Cynthia are working even harder in the next phase of publishing - marketing and creating exposure of the book.

We are amazed at the response to the book, especially the heartfelt connections made by those who read the book or review the images. More and more, people are relating their own stories of caring for friends or loved ones diagnosed with cancer or a debilitating disease. The biggest surprise has been the out pour of emotions by breast cancer survivors and their verbalizing how the images resonate with them and how Cynthia's story very closely resembles their story of breast cancer. The images are proving to be cathartic and are providing even deeper healing from the raw emotions felt during a journey with cancer. One survivor related being embarrassed of her mastectomy scars until she saw the front cover of Caring For Cynthia and now feels free from the embarrassment with the front cover so beautifully depicting Cynthia with the scars.

We would love to hear from any and all of you that have connected with the book. Our intent is to create a worldwide community of caregiver support - yet we are open to all the ways Caring For Cynthia brings healing and love to the world. Please feel free to add your blogs and connect with others going through the experience of breast cancer.

Many of you want to know if Cynthia is o.k. She is- she's cancer free and living a full life. Her commitment is that others learn through the images captured of her and those that cared for her during the journey with breast cancer. There is no perfect way to be with cancer. Cynthia invites those with cancer to be themselves. Be vulnerable and open oneself to being cared for during this time in their life.

I invite those to use Caring For Cynthia as a starting point from which to begin an experience with cancer. The book encourages conversation about breast cancer among those diagnosed, their family, their loved ones and those in the community who will be providing portions of care during the journey. The more we share ourselves, the more we learn from each other and, ultimately, the more we learn about ourselves in the process. Our vulnerability in sharing this courageous story about breast cancer and care giving is a commitment to all of us.