Shrink Wrap

     Just about six years ago the last week of July in 2008 “Caring For Cynthia” arrived in 

Tucson.   

     I stood in my driveway with the mid summers day sun at my back watching as the delivery 

truck parked in front of my home.   As the truck’s door opened, there it was - 5,000 books 

shipped from a coastal village not far from Shanghai. 

     In front of me was the culmination of creativity and collaboration from selecting font styles, 

colors, collateral print pieces to phone calls and meetings with editors, coaches, consultants, 

digital artists (to mention a few) shrink wrapped and resting on wooden palates. 

Tucson, Arizona July 2008

     The meetings and phone calls with consultants were easy.  Selecting colors and type 

fonts was easy, too.  What could not have been shrink wrapped were my emotions.   That 

day my emotions were joy, excitement and elatedness.  These days, what I’m learning, is 

that emotions come in a variety of colors and flavors and can range anywhere from 

somewhat easy to somewhat challenging to walk through – even six years later.   The 

physical and emotional response from having personally documented a year of  “cancer 

related activities” is impossible to shrink and wrap.

     Emotions related to a loved one’s diagnosis of cancer - surviving cancer- being 

diagnosed again - having that second diagnosis associated with metastasis to various 

organs and thus leading to eventual death - take time to surface and evolve.  The timing of 

these emotions surfacing and evolving and then the time to respond to those emotions is 

different for everyone.  

     What we, as cancer caregivers, do in our response to emotions that surface now, in six 

months or in six years will mold us, give us insight and help us to help ourselves.  Our 

responses to our emotions can impede and challenge us.  Alternatively our responses can

inspire and motivate us in ways we never imagined. 

     For cancer caregivers experiencing emotions during or after a journey with a loved 

one’s cancer – don’t attempt to shrink and wrap your emotions.  Instead, consider giving 

emotions room to surface, grow and evolve.   Ignoring, rushing or hurrying through those 

precious emotional experiences can actually impede our healing.  

     Consider reviewing www.cancer.net as leading resource for both those affected by cancer 

and caregivers:  http://www.cancer.net/coping-and-emotions/managing-emotions

  

Blooming Cherry Blossoms

The month of May is an anniversary, of sorts, for me.  It’s the month I reflect, remember, memorialize and celebrate the life of my dear friend, Cynthia.  It’s has been three years since Cynthia’s death - May 9, 2011. 

I’ve been reflecting and remembering and in doing so I thought I’d blog about all the memorializing I’ve been doing yet I couldn’t put the words to paper or the fingers to the keyboard and have my thoughts make sense - until today. 

Just a few weeks ago, around the weekend of May 9^th, I was driving in my hometown.  I hadn’t visited Pittsburgh during a spring bloom in many years.  So, it’s not surprising I had forgotten how the beautiful blooms color the neighborhoods.  I was in awe of the abundance of cherry blossoms and dogwood trees.  The pink, dark pink and white flowers were spectacular.  

My mom and husband pulled the car off the road so I could make imagery of what I saw as we drove past the park.   In the park I was struck by the beauty that once surrounded me when I was younger.  Beauty that I know I took for granted as a child/young woman.  I experienced such a powerful rush of emotions being so close to the lush colors of greens and pinks along the river. 

This image is what I saw that day.  For me, it represents the journey from shock, disbelief, sadness, loss, anger and confusion (to mention a few) to that of personal growth, exploration and great curiosity in answering one of life’s great questions – “What Is Next?”  What IS next now that it’s been three years.  

Just to the right of the cherry blossoms is a path.  If I were to follow the path, it would take me into the green trees and into something quite unknown -  something I won't take for granted and someplace where "lush" and "awe" awaits!

Blooming Cherry Blossoms

A Woman Running Along The Rillito Wash Who Looks Strikingly Like Cynthia

Typically, Cynthia visits me in my dreams.  As I once shared with Stephanie, Cynthia's sister, I usually see Cynthia in my dreams between 0400 – 0500 a.m. – in the dream closest to the beginning of my wake cycle. 

While my dogs Rocket, Newman and I walked this morning, I noticed a woman running yet I noticed something more – from a distance the woman running looked like Cynthia.

I pulled the leashes on Rocket and Newman and asked them to “wait.”  Then, practically glaring at this woman, I stood and watched her run.

Dressed in clothing similar to Cynthia’s style of work out clothes, I watched as long blonde hair waved with each fast step.   As the runner approached, I discerned thick eyebrows, an olive-light brown skin tone and other physical features on her face almost too similar to Cynthia.  I noticed the level of concentration worn by this runner - similar to Cynthia's facial expression as she would have concentrated as she read, listened to a voicemail or wrote a message on paper. 

As she passed us, I turned my head and followed her with my eyes until I saw only

Image from "Caring For Cynthia"

creosote and mesquite trees. 

Letting go in that brief moment – I was watching Cynthia.

Standing there, a part of me wanted to yell, “hey where did you go…come back.” 

I let another moment pass and then I said, “let’s go” to the dogs and continued our walk.  On our way home, I sorted out what I thought seeing a woman running along the wash, who looks strikingly like Cynthia, meant to me.

My mind manufactured stories about her.  I imagined she was “working out” and because it was 0530 a.m. - she’s running before work.  I imagined what she was like, her work and much more.

Once the dogs and I reached our driveway, my manufacturing mind settled and I noticed myself discarding those stories.   While my stories provide a level of comfort to make sense of this encounter, if I wanted to, I could simply say this:  Cynthia just visited me and she’s doing well.  She’s doing so well, in fact, she has the stamina to run.

It shouldn’t surprise me that I “encountered” Cynthia running the wash.  Cynthia and I walked that section of the wash intermittently for years.  We’d spend those walks sorting aloud the days at our workplaces and events/feelings/emotions happening in our lives.

I am looking forward to where and when Cynthia presences herself, again.   Until then I can rely on my dreams to see her now and again.  

The Importance of Self Care Amid Caregiving

The Mesothelioma Center contacted me to post an article written by one of their staff members - Kaitlyn Teabo.   I'm happy to post the article on "Caring For Cynthia's" blog as it contains important information for all caregivers.  We as caregivers, first and foremost, MUST care for ourselves.  


Care professionals, as well as family caregivers, may tend to put the needs of others, such as pleural mesotheliomacancer patients, before their own. Care from a loved one will be much needed especially after cancer treatments, such as surgery, chemotherapy and radiation after their prognosis. Through this selfless act of kindness, it is easy for caregivers to lose sight of the importance of their own health, which may lead to illness, frustration, depression or burnout.

If you are a caregiver, you must allow time for yourself to recharge your batteries and to remain physically and mentally healthy. If not for you, consider your loved one. You will be able to give better care if you avoid the negative effects of not seeking time for yourself.

The National FamilyCaregiving Association found that 61 percent of caregivers providing at least 20 hours of caregiving per week suffered from depression. Research shows that medical, social and economic factors contribute to the complexity of caregiver depression and a number of studies suggest that caregivers with poorer health, or fewer financial resources, are at a high risk for depression.

It is important for caregivers to recognize the common signs of depression including:

·            Change in appetite

·            Change in sleep patterns

·            Fatigue, lack of energy

·            Pervasive sadness, anxiety, or "empty" mood

·            Decreased pleasure or enjoyment

·            Crying for no apparent reason, with no relief

·            Inappropriate or excessive guilt

·            Impaired concentration, slowed or disorganized thinking

·            Forgetfulness, problems with memory

·            Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

·            Difficulty performing daily tasks – ordinary tasks are overwhelming

·            Withdrawal from people and usual activities; wanting to be alone

·            Increased use of alcohol and drugs

·            Increased irritability

The presence of depression in caregivers also affects their physical health, particularly in regard to immune function. A 2002 study by Lyanne McGuire, Ph.D., of John Hopkins School of Medicine with Kiecolt-Glaser and Glaser reported that even chronic, sub-clinical mild depression may suppress an older person's immune system. Participants of the study were in their 70s and those with chronic mild depression had weaker lymphocyte T-cell responses to two mitogens, which model how the body responds to viruses and bacteria. The immune response was down even 18 months later, and immunity declined with age. The key immune factor was duration, not severity, of depression.

       Steps to Improve Your Self-Care:

·           Schedule Time for You. To maintain your own health it is necessary to get relief from your        caregiving role. Get respite care if it is needed for you to be able to take some time for yourself. Respite care services provide someone to care for your loved one while you are away for an hour or for a couple of days.

·          Seek the Help You Need. Take advantage of community programs, like a support group, that can provide you with emotional support and valuable resources. If you feel overwhelmed at times, hire housekeeping help to minimize your stress level.

·          Stay Connected. Take time to stay involved with activities and people who bring you pleasure.

·          Communicate Clearly. Be realistic about how much of your time and yourself you can give and be mindful that not doing so can lead to burn-out.

·           Exercise and Eat Right. Even just a brisk walk can be a good stress reliever and eating a balanced diet can lower chances of immune deficiencies caused by stress or depression.

Caregivers can reach out to family members, friends, neighbors and helpful organizations (such as Hospice) within their community for support when things become overwhelming. Taking time for self-care allows caregivers to recharge and reset mentally, emotionally and physically; which helps their peace of mind and helps them to perform their caregiver duties with rejuvenated energy.

Author bio: Kaitlyn Teabo is a writer for The Mesothelioma Center. She combines her interests in writing, cancer research and emerging scientific technology to educate the mesothelioma community about asbestos and its related diseases.

Sources:

American Psychological Association. (2006, Feb., 23). Stress Weakens the Immune System. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/research/action/immune.aspx

Evercare study of caregivers in decline. (2006, Sept.) Retrieved from www.caregiving.org/data/Caregivers%20in%20Decline%20Study-FINAL-lowres.pdf

Serani, Deborah. (2011, Nov. 15). Two Takes on Depression: Treating the very condition you live with––A clinician's dual perspective. Retrieved from www.psychologytoday.com/blog/two-takes-depression/201111/caregivers-and-depression

The Importance of Self Care. (2011, Nov. 30). Retrieved from http://www.aasa.dshs.wa.gov/caregiving/selfcare.htm

The Release

  

I walked our dogs this morning and along the walk I thought about Cynthia.  Something must have reminded me of her, maybe it's the walks we use to take together or the time of the morning or the air...something triggered me to think.  

You see, I've been working through a myriad of emotions weeks before Cynthia died in May 2011.  Since her death, I've been sad, numb, seemingly paralyzed in my thoughts, scared and not myself.  Along the same time I've been contemplating the project we created, "Caring For Cynthia" and what should or could come next for that project - never getting a clear thought or idea from which to begin to generate possibility.  

About three months ago I began considering therapy for what I came to know as grief and loss after losing a loved one.  Two months into this work with a therapist I'm learning a lot.  This morning, as I walked the dogs, I decided something.  I decided today I could begin to share my experiences as a caregiver when the person one is caring for - doesn't survive.  

This morning I remembered an entry I wanted to post last year, yet didn't.  I thought to review  that entry and use today as THE day to finally post it!  This entry outlines a step a took in gaining perspective or awareness about myself since Cynthia's death.  I didn't go to the tea leaf reading with an intention to talk about Cynthia.  It's just that she showed up, in the leaves, according to Janice.  The title of this entry is "The Release." 

The Release

Instructions from a recent Tea Leaf Reading with Janice Roper included a close proximity to water facing the Catalina mountains during sunrise.  I used a cushion and sat in an easy pose beside our pool facing the Catalina Mountains as the sun was fast approaching in my periphery.  To my left, the night’s full moon was descending over Tucson's western sky. 

Illuminated in front of me were red, pink and orange colored Glassy Baby votive candles holders – each color associated with words such as "comfort, joy, calm.”  The only sounds filling the early morning was the cooing of dove and quail as well as the squawking of copper hawks flying through the Mesquite and Palo Verde trees.  This early morning light and air is a space and time for many beings to revel and I'm comforted to know that I am not alone in my backyard. 

I waited as the sun rose to provide light before I began "releasing,” as Janice referred, Cynthia.  With input from the reading, Janice and I crafted the words to say aloud during this  "exercise."  

I repeated those words as the sun continued to rise.

I understand now that Cynthia has "work" to do.  Cynthia’s physical being has indeed shifted, yet still, she continues her work as a teacher.  In fact, there is still much to learn from my friendship with Cynthia, the times and events we experienced, my caregiving journey and all that I'm learning through the sadness and missing her.   By "releasing" her, Janice suggests Cynthia is “free” to continue her journey and move more deeply into her "work." 

As this exercise cames to a close my heart felt less heavy - I was lighter.  The missing I feel is there yet I don’t notice fear.  It CAN be o.k. to "release" Cynthia giving her permission to "carry on."   .  

It's up to me now, to tune my awareness, notice that which is shifting around me related to caregiving, cancer support, death and grief and open an even greater space for learning opportunities to surface.  Not only am I continuing to learn...I am healing, too.  And, it could be through Cynthia's ongoing work that I learn to heal.     

Here's a photo of me at the tea leaf reading.  After I drank the tea, the leaves were spilled onto a small plate and the shape of a heart was revealed.  : )

New Mexican Press Women

I'm in Santa Fe, New Mexico, reflecting on my speaking venue this past weekend to the New Mexican Press Women at the Mission Cafe on DeVargas Street.  R. Thomas Berner, President of the New Mexican Press Women, extended an invitation to attend their bimonthly meeting and present my book "Caring For Cynthia."  There was a very powerful, entrepreneurial presence in the audience.  The twelve members present were either published authors themselves, owned and edited monthly publications/newsletters and broadcast media, and, some present had won recent awards for their work in journalism.  

The Santa Fe winter sun pierced through lace curtains into the "Community Room" of the Mission Cafe.  At the table, we were surrounded by an eclectic decor that incorporated dried hydrangeas and the silver and gold lame´of artwork from local to religious.  After items on the agenda were discussed and the hostess' traditional frito pies were served, I was introduced.  I spoke for twenty minutes and, while I'm still honing my skills as a guest speaker, I'm grateful for not only having met this organization but to have had the privilege of listening to caregiving experiences shared that day. 

I'm noticing this:  it requires deep courage to publicly share caregiving experiences that are seemingly privately held and I notice the "catchiness" of the sharing - one person's share leads to another person sharing and soon, many share.   Imagine what all of those in the "Community Room" of the Mission Cafe learned that day - simply through our sharing!  I encourage caregivers to share their experiences of their caregiving journey on this blog - sharing imparts knowledge and little morsels of knowledge can make a tremendous difference in the lives of other caregivers and ultimately change the course of the journey for the loved one diagnosed. 

Visit www.newmexicopresswomen.org